


Where Do You Bury The Survivors?

by jargonelle



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-16
Updated: 2014-05-16
Packaged: 2018-01-25 09:37:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1644083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jargonelle/pseuds/jargonelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for blindfold-spn. Someone makes some sort of comment to Sam and Dean about John molesting Dean. Dean doesn't really react but Sam? Sam starts thinking. And remembering. And then wondering if it could actually have happened. Sam!POV. Speculation. Emotional incest. John/Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where Do You Bury The Survivors?

Lee's trying to keep pace with Dean, beer after beer after beer; he's not nearly as sober as he thinks he is.

"Went back to the old crash site," he slurs at Dean. "'Sfew hikers disappeared and I thought maybe we missed something. Turns out they were just stupid. Stupid fucking unprepared civilians. You ever been up a mountain, Sam?"

Sam shakes his head.

"Well it's dangerous. Cold as a witch's tit up there, it's true. You pull your dick out to take a piss and you'd better hurry otherwise the damn thing'll freeze off. Course, it was never a problem for old John now, was it? Not with Dean here so eager to keep his cock warm."

Dean rolls his eyes and takes another drink. "I think you'll find that was your wife." 

Lee snorts and smiles at Sam. "My wife don't get down on her knees for no man, more's the pity. Not like your brother, he'll beg for it in the dirt even when decent folk are trying to get some sleep in their trucks not ten yards away. Your daddy sure got him well trained." 

Even though it's clear Dean isn't going to defend his own honor, Sam expects Dean to leap to defend Dad's. Instead, he says, "Whatever, man. Sam, go get us more beer. That waitress ain't coming back."

Sam doesn't like the way Dean looks in the darkness: a hollow shell surrounded by a ring of empty bottles. He doesn't like the way Lee, this stranger that Sam's never met and Dean barely knows, is disrespecting his family. Dean was teasing, but Lee sneered out his insults.

"Think it's probably better if we leave," he says, staring coolly at Lee. He wants him to take back what he said, but Lee doesn't. 

Dean finally seems to recognize the genuine hostility and stands up. "Got a bottle of Jack waiting for me anyway. Come on Sam, let's get you home."

When they're in the parking lot, Sam knows what Dean wants to ask so he jumps in first. "I didn't like what he was saying about you and Dad."

Dean shrugs. "I've heard worse."

"It sounded like he meant it, Dean."

"The guy didn't even know whether he was on a hunt or not. Not exactly firing on all cylinders."

Dean gets in the car and turns up the radio. It's too loud for Sam to think.

***

He's seventeen in his dreams, and Dean's kneeling by the side of the couch. Dad's passed out, so Dean unlaces his boots and takes them off. He reaches into the waistband of Dad's jeans to pull out the pistol tucked in there, and snags the wallet from Dad's back pocket.

Dean keeps the gun for himself, but before he gets to work cleaning it he tosses Sam the wallet. "What's in it?"

It's just over a hundred dollars, but Sam tells Dean eighty.

It seems like Dean strips the gun without even thinking about it. "At least the rent's paid. Ok, gimme sixty and the quarters. The rest is yours. Don't go spending it all at once."

Dean's share is for gas and groceries and whatever else Dad needs first, what Dean wants second. Sam'll slip the extra twenty into Dean's pocket later.

"You're not his wife," Sam says and Dean freezes. "I mean, when we were kids he should have been the one worrying about this crap, not you, and I'm old enough to take care of myself now. Why are you even still sticking around?"

Dean puts the gun down with a heavy clunk.

"This 'crap', Sam, is what keeps this family together. Dad does everything he can for us, and maybe if you ever pulled your head out of your ass you'd notice and give him some respect."

There's no point even arguing. Dean always sides with Dad now, always.

Sam can't wait to get to college. He hears people actually think for themselves there.

***

He wakes up and doesn't remember, not right away. 

It's when he sees two little girls pester their parents for money to buy candy that he identifies the nagging feeling in the back of his mind. Dad had admitted to Sam that he had stopped seeing himself as their father, but what exactly had he seen Dean as? Recruit? Soldier? Partner? Back up? 

Back up... for Mom?

It's a horrible thought, and Sam doesn't like to think it, but Lee's accusations were specific, not the generic 'Your daddy fucked you up, touched you in the bad place,' that's been hurled at Dean a few times. Never at Sam, but then Sam didn't dedicate his life to Dad's cause with nothing but the distant promise of a 'You did good, son,' as payment. Sam wanted someone else to do it instead.

Dean's half reading the newspaper, half keeping an eye on everyone in the room. The woman in the corner's checking either or both of them out, but while Dean's aware, he's not responding. That's not unusual now, but when Dad was alive, Dean would have been all over her. Was that a point in Dad's favor? Sam isn't sure.

"Let's get out of this place," Dean says, and Sam knows he means the town, not just the diner. "We can look for a job on the road."

***

He can't stop thinking about it. 

He has to know, because not knowing is worse. 

He thinks about Dean always running the extra mile, waiting the extra day, following every order even if Dad hadn't made it explicit. He thinks about Dean dropping out of school to nurse Dad back to health. He thinks about the two of them trapped in motel rooms for days on end, no one to rely on but each other. 

He wonders if Dad would have made it an order.

God, he's sick.

Sam thought he was starting to understand their father, thought he was finally appreciating what the two of them had in common. If it turns out this is true, he's taking it all back.

Dean's taking the scenic route. They haven't found a case, and so he's pulling up at all the weirdest places Montana has to offer. If he's aiming for a distraction, he'd have been better off searching for a hunt.

Sam's just going to have to ask, point blank. Dean's going to deny it anyway, but there's no one else left to question.

Dean ruins the plan by saying, "Not yet," though when Sam tries to make a move. They drive for another hour, Dean drumming absentmindedly on the steering wheel. Sam thinks he recognizes it as 'Nothing Else Matters'. He stops by a lake, gets out the car, and goes to stare out at the water.

"You got something to ask me, Sammy?" he says. Dean's not going to make it easy, is going to make him say it.

"Did you and Dad... Did Dad ever... take advantage of you?"

Dean snorts and turns to look at him, eyebrows raised.

"Sexually."

"Geez, Sam, no. Daddy didn't touch me in a bad place."

"Then why didn't we have this conversation in the car?"

Dean shrugs. "Maybe I wanted to be able to knock some sense into you."

"Come on then, Dean. Hit me if it will make you feel better. If I'm so wrong, then do it."

Dean clenches his fists and Sam braces himself, getting hit in the face would be the prize here, but then Dean turns back to the water and Sam's heart drops. No.

"He never touched me, so don't stress out about it. But I think he wanted to, sometimes. He'd look at me, and man, he'd look so guilty. That was the worst part. Maybe I should have..."

Sam doesn't quite know how he's feeling. Relief, for sure, but the rage building up in him, meant for Dad but aimed at Dean, that's familiar and overwhelming. He explodes. "What, Dean? Maybe you should have bent over for him just because he wanted you to? Hell, you did everything else he ever wanted, why not this too?"

Dean does punch him then, a solid hit that rattles through his bones and leaves his left cheek burning. They're both breathing heavily.

"Of course I would have, but Dad didn't ask. Just shut the fuck up about things you don't understand!"

"Why did Lee say those things last night?"

Dean spits at the ground. "You taking his word over mine? 'Cause how should I know what that crazy son of a bitch was thinking?"

"So he didn't see you and Dad..."

"Fucking like two inbred bunnies? No. Maybe Dad picked someone up, I don't know. I cannot believe we're still talking about this. I need a drink."

Dean stomps back to the car, and Sam follows, not wanting to be left behind. While Dean's rummaging in the trunk, Sam picks up a fallen branch and takes a swing at a tree; he's still so angry. What had Dad been thinking? What had Dean meant by he 'would have'?

"Here, tiger." Dean hands over a beer. "Clear your head."

"You're screwed up, Dean. You do know that, right?"

"Takes one to know one," Dean says but the emotion's faked; Sam's not going to get anything real out of him for at a few days at least. He knocks back his bottle like a shot. "We're wasting daylight."

Sam doesn't point out that they've got nowhere to be.

***

He's eighteen in his dreams, and Dad's watching Dean wash the car.

Dean's really throwing his weight into it, wanting to make sure everything's perfect. He's only wearing a T-shirt for once, and it's drenched in soapy water.

"Maybe I should get a truck," Dad says to Sam, and Sam's horrified. Even though he's planning to leave, he doesn't want Dad to sell their only home.

He's misunderstood his dad, again. 

"Dean deserves her. And then if he ever needs to, he'll be able to get away from me."

Sam scowls. It's not like Dean's ever going to want that. He's too pathetic to see what's out there. When the time comes, Sam's not going to need a car to get away. He's going to jump on a bus, a plane, whatever, and go. He's going to be free.

"Watch out for your brother, Sam," Dad says.

He walks away.


End file.
